Do Something Nice For Someone Else

Yes, yes, a cheap play on the title of the blog. But seriously, everyone knows it feels good to be nice to people, do nice things, go a little out of your way for someone else. It doesn't have to be big, even letting someone ahead of you in line, or sending a short email to a friend you have been meaning to catch up with can make your day. A friend of mine recently moved and I knew this person was moving on the first of the month, so I sent them a text wishing them a happy first day in their new place, and you know what? Even that seven-word text made me feel good. Well, maybe it was also the bike ride and the coffee, but still. . . .

Criteria for measuring your nice-to-others doings:

1. Do you enjoy doing it?

2. Is is fun, kind, interesting, or helpful to the other person?

If you answered yes to both these questions, you're a master of do-gooding. Stop reading lest you be bored. If you answered no to one or both of them, consider doing something else, and please read on.

It's common knowledge that it feels good to make other people feel good. That's the nature of being social creatures : people need to interact positively with other people (even independent introverts like myself). One of my favorite ways of getting out of the downward spiral funk is to immerse myself in doing something nice for someone else. Maybe I make a phone call, maybe I write a letter, maybe I bake cookies and surprise someone, it doesn't really matter as long as I actually get off my ass and do it. Works like a charm, too!

Being nice to people does have its pitfalls though, like:

Expecting others to notice and praise you for your consideration. Just don't do this, it makes you seem like an ass. If you can't give joyfully and without expectation, you should probably try to feel good some other way, like, for instance, masturbating. You want a pat on the butt, join a sports team.

Giving too much. This can be hard to avoid if you're naturally a people-pleaser. Set reasonable expectations about your own time and obligations, and DON'T COMMIT to more than you can handle stress-free. The point is to do somehting nice for someone, not to make yourself into a martyr or make the person feel guilty about being a burden to you.

Believing that being nice to people can lead to being a pushover. FALSE: doing nice things for people doesn't mean trampling over your own needs, quite the contrary. It is absolutely essential that you be assertive and clear about what your boundaries are, and only do things that affirm your own self-love. It's absolutely ok to say no. If someone tries to guilt you into a favor, it's not freely given or joyful for you, which is the point here. Plus, that person is behaving in icky manipulative ways.

Story time: Once I was dating a person who had boundary issues. This person thought that because I was independent and liked to cuddle with people outside our relationship I was going to cheat and/or disappear. In trying to be 'nice' to this partner, I made an effort to keep them informed about my whereabouts and company and I agreed to stop cuddling with other people. The result was that I traded my own personal needs for a very temporary relief of jealousy, which returned shortly when I tried to spend more time alone. Honestly, I should have taken the whole thing as a red flag and dumped that human, but I was trying to be nice. If it weren't for the sex I probably would have. Moral of the story: being nice means doing things you really want to do for people, not doing things people guilt you into.

WARNING:

Doing nice stuff for people might become a habit. If this happens, don't panic, it probably means you've found something that makes you feel really good about yourself. This is a sure sign you should keep doing whatever it is as long as it remains sustainable for you to do so.